I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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