At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
