Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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