I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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