Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
