sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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