One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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