i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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