WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
