my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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