My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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