she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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