my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Oh god it's open bar.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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