Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
