Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
