I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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