I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
