we have pet lesbian snakes
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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