You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
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Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
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Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.