he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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