y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
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I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?