The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
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I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
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I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way