I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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