If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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