Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize