Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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