you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
