my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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