shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
