Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
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