Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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