Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
time to smoke my breakfast
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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