he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
