i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
