I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
