Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you inspire me to be a worse person
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
