I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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