So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
