Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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