I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
