Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
