Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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