i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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