if i can run in heels then i can drive
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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