dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
