I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
