I hate your face
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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