So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
