i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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