I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
