He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Please don't give away my fajitas
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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