haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
