I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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