my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
