best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
