good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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