your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Someone came in the potted fern
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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